It was hot. I was sweaty. Drippy, jeans sticking to the inside of my crotch sweaty. Marc pro, we had a full squad – myself, Teeter, Keith – I – need – to – give -Jen – a – ring – Hillier, Nate the shank, HD, and re-Nick-oulous. Straight gangsta pimpin in the G.A.P. of Leesville yo.
We were there to crush souls, grind spirits, and make a mockery of the pros that were there. The plan was simple. Round house Nate English, let the gravel take care of Max – the pro bike racer Jenkins, and do some Jedi mind tricks on kirk carlsen. There were other riders there to take into consideration, but they all had problems that would take them out Timothy Larkin who who was Tim, but is apparently going through some Peter Pan Syndrome thing, and Keven Metcalf who was fighting with his seatpost adjustment because his new Depend were slightly higher than the less absorbent ones. Grounds Keeper Willie rolled in at the last second, looking more irritated than ever.
With only a 25 rider field, the few pros that were there were much more noticeable. I attacked from the gun, and Jenkins came with me. We worked well together, until we got to the gravel. Then Max went straight to my wheel and wouldn’t pull through claiming, “I’m a sprinter and need to save it for the climb, plus these rocks are hurting my junk!” So, I begrudgingly sat on the front and guided Mr. Tender Taint through the gravel. Soon we were joined by Matthew Rodrigues from Davis, Teeter, kirk carlsen, Keith, Grounds Keeper Willie and Nate English. Right when we got caught, Max pulled over got off his bike and walked it the rest of the way through the Gravel.
Grounds Keeper Willie pulled over and was last seen screaming his head off at a stick on the side of the road he felt had offended him.
When we hit the climb, English attacked. He attacked us with the opening lines of Lollipop going “Lollipop, Lollipop, oh Lollilollipop!” to which everyone in the break made a “pop!” sound. It was pretty cool. Then Keith busted out – “We should all go camping!” He was right, it was like we were at the one moment, best of buds. Then suddenly Teeter and Matthew Rodrigues launched off the front.
It was at this point, Kirk went all in to chase them. I sat on his wheel since I had a team mate up the road, and English cracked on the climb. Keith sat on his wheel just in case he recovered. We never saw them again.
Kirk did a good job pulling, and with about 2 k to go had them at about 5 seconds – which he held until 200 meters. Being completely fresh, I jumped across to Matthew Rodrigues and Teeter and went right by them for the win. Teeter dropped his fanny pack, flipped around to get it while Matthew Rodrigues rolled in for 2nd, but still held off Kirk for 3rd. It was a good win for the team, making it 2 years in a row! Thanks for reading, and BTW, I wasn’t even there!